March

When I was kid there used to be a rhyme about the weather. There was a line for each month. I can't remember half of it but I do remember that April was supposed to be full of showers and March was supposed to be very windy. I don't mean the beans kind of windy with everyone farting all over the place - urrrrgh! - I mean windy wind blowing your hat off, or if you haven't got a hat, your wig. So really that rhyme was suggesting that the next TWO MONTHS are going to be pretty awful and that;'s not nice. Well, I ike to think the weather is going to be much better than that. I have already noticed that the birds are singing, which is a good sign of Spring and there is more daylight too. I heard an owl hooting in my garden last night - and I live in the middle of a small town.

I've been up and doing things too, though I haven't been singing like the birds. This is probably a GOOD THING, because my singing is not exactly lovely. Besides, I think my neighbours would be very worried if I sat in a tree in their garden and started warbling. So, instead I have been doing lots of writing and also visiting lots of schools. March of course starts off with World Book Day and that means loads of schools want a visit from an author. I am going to three schools every week for the whole of March. I might be coming to YOURS! So watch out. I am also working on a new series and it's going to be fantasti-bubbly-crumbo, as Finn says in BATPANTS.

It's almost Easter too, so I wish you all a fantasti-bubbly-crumbo Easter and loads of easter eggs. Yummy yummy!

February

Cor! Where did all that snow come from? There was an awful lot of it. I had family in Kent stuck in it and family in Devon stuck in it. I had friends in Cumbria stuck in it. Everyone got stuck! What happened to you? Where you okay? Did you go whizzing about on your toboggan or snowboard or skis or whatever? We made a huge snowman in our back garden with a giant carrot for a nose. Which reminds me - did any of you see that photo in the newspapers of a llama just about to eat the carrot-nose off a snowman? Brilliant! There were some terrific snow- things near us. One village had several snow statues on the village green. There was a life-sized deer, sitting down, and three igloos, big, medium and small - like igloos for the Three Bears! But best of all someone had built a VW campoer van out of snow. It looked fantastic! I thought it was a real on covered in snow, it was so good.

And now it's all gone. It's horrible when it gets slushy. I wonder if any of you know that lovely poem about snow: SNOW IS SNOWY WHEN IT'S SNOWING; I'M SORRY IT'S SLUSHY WHEN IT'S GOING. That says it all. I have to admit that I didn't get out in the snow much. I was stuck indoors writing, or thinking about writing. I am working on a new series that I hope will be very funny and have lots of pictures. I shall have to start work on it properly soon so I am busy putting together all the ideas for characters and story lines and so on. You know how it is. But best of all, I have made a discovery. I have found a lovely, quiet swimming pool near me where I can go and swim. I love swimming and I like to swim for at least half an hour every day if possible. I just swim about slowly and occasionally do something exciting like swim a whole length underwater. (The pool isn't very long!) Now that I mention it, I think I might toddle off for a swim right now. Must remember to tie my trunks on tightly. You know what happened when I dived off that diving board when I was about nine.....!

January

December. What can I say? Well, it's always busy. Just when I think I have time for doing some writing or some thinking about writing, BAM! All those Christmas things come tumbling into view like one gigantic traffic jam crash - get presents, send christmas cards, get more presents, send more cards, make mince pies, eat mince pies, make more mince pies, buy more presents, go to christmas party, come home late, go to another party, make more mince pies, another party, Oh! party at our house? Okay. Make hundreds more mince pies. Eat pies, Feel ill. And so on and no time at all for thinking or writing or even BREATHING! So I'm probably dead now. Must remember to keep breathing. It helps a lot. And I still forgot to send Aunty Triceratops a card. Or a mince pie. (Sending mince pies doesn't work very well. They tend to get a bit squashed in the post and then all you can do is lick the inside of the envelope when it arrives.)

Well, I hope you all had a JOLLY HOLLY CHRISTMAS! And now we all have a brand New Year to look forward to and I know it is just going to be brilliant for all of you. Please wish yourselves and your mums and your dads and your brothers and sisters and aunties, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, grannies, grandads and ALL your many children and grandchildren and rabbits, dogs, cats, hamsters, guinea pigs, stick insects, elephants, mice, fish, ponies, donkeys, giraffes, jellyfish, teddies, frogspawn and EVERYTHING all the VERY BEST for 2010!

December

Rain, rain, rain, rain, rain. Will it ever stop? I guess that's what everyone wants to know. I wonder what you lot have been up to keep yourselves occupied? There's not much you can do outside in rainy weather is there? I've been mostly visiting schools this past month, zooming up and down the country, either in the car or by train. I love meeting you in your schools and having a laugh. I was talking to some.

5 year olds in one school and I asked them what kind of food did they think I had in my fridge. One of them said 'chicken'. I said no, it wasn't chicken , but it did begin with 'ch'. Guess what the next 5 year old said. 'Chuna'! Of course, you know what he meant!

I've been so busy visiting schools that I haven't done any writing, but I must get down to work soon. I have to write a new story about Batpants, the naughty orang-utan. The first Batpants books will be out in January, I think. In the meantime I celebrated my birthday in November. How old do you think I am now? SIXTY! AAAAARGH! All my hair will probably fall out, not to mention my teeth. I shall be covered in wrinkles and crinkles. But, to tell you the truth. I don't feel like 60 at all. I feel more like 30. And when I write stories I feel about 10. Anyway, my wife was 60 last month too so we had a great party. Everyone had to dress up so they looked like people from the 1960's and 70's. I wore a long wig and huge flared trousers. I looked a complete idiot, I can tell you! (Usually, of course, I just look like an in-complete idiot.) Hope I don't have to do that again too soon! Byeeeeee!

November

I don't believe it! It's raining! It's not meant to rain - I'M ON HOLIDAY! I guess I shouldn't complain. We've had sun almost every day since we arrived in Turkey. Had a great day yesterday. We went on a boat trip to Kekova Island to see an ancient Roman castle and a sunken city. The city had crumbled into the sea almost two thousand years ago because of an earthquake. Now you can just see bits of stone staircase going nowhere and structures under the water. You can see them because the water is so clear (and so blue!). All the land around is VERY beautiful - lots of little islands, rocky and hilly and lots of trees.

The people are so friendly and helpful. We travelled on a boat and they cooked lunch (a barbecue) on the boat. The lunch was wonderful and we went swimming too, round the boat. But later on, in the afternoon, we stopped in a little bay and the skipper brought us some fruit - it was apples, all cut up. Sadly the apples weren't very nice, but we didn't want to seem ungrateful, so we pretended to eat some and when the skipper wasn't looking I got rid of some by dropping them overboard. I thought I was being really clever until my wife pointed out that apples float. We looked over the side and there were all these bits of apple bobbing about in the water! AAAAAAAAAARGH! We just hoped that the skipper wouldn't see them. I felt SO embarrassed and ashamed. (I also felt about six years old, as if I'd just been caught being very naughty!)

Anyhow, it's been a great holiday, and I managed to finish the book I was working on. We come back next week. There's lots of work waiting for us when we get back. I have several visits to schools and libraries to make and by the time that's over there'll be Christmas to think of. And as usual I have another book to write. Did you know that there's a new book out for Christmas? It's called CHRISTMAS CHAOS FOR THE HUNDRED MILE AN HOUR DOG. It's got a fab shiny silver colour. Watch out for it. It'll make you die laughing! Well, obviously you won't actually DIE, but I do hope you'll laugh your heads off. Well, obviously not REALLY laugh your head right OFF, but I do hope you'll explode with laughter. Well, obviously not REALLY EXPLODE, which would be very messy, but you know what I mean. But I do hope... oh, I give up! I JUST HOPE YOU LIKE IT! Bye bye!

OCTOBER

Guess what? I'm on holiday - hooray! I'm writing this from a Turkish villa overlooking the Mediterranean Sea. We have just got back from a day long boat trip. We went all round Kalkan Bay, visiting little bays. The boat would stop and we would all dive overboard or jump in and clear water and swim about. My son Dan went snorkelling and diving and bringing back empty sea urchin shells and other old shells he found. Then the captain would bring out lunch - a huge feast of salads and vegetables and meat balls and fish and all sorts. Ah, this is the way to live! Floating about on a boat, being handed food which you don't even have to make yourself, and swimming in the sea. Wonderful!

I hear it's raining in Britain. What a shame! It's been hot and sunny here and we're turning browner by the day. Oh dear - I hope I haven't made you envious! But maybe you had your holiday earlier this year. It's my turn now and for a few months before this things have been very, VERY busy with work so it's so relaxing to get away.

So, have I done any work since arriving here? Of course not! I have thought about it - just haven't done any! The trouble with writing stories is that bits of them are always in your head. I wake in the middle of the night thinking about them. I get random thoughts about them on the boat today. They are always lurking somewhere and every so often they pop up and surprise me. So I guess I shall have to do some wrtiting while I'm out here.

I hope it doesn't rain TOO much in Britain and it's not TOO cold and windy. As for me, it's almost time for supper - outside of course in the warm evening air, beneath the stars. Night night!

July

What a month? Who said authors spend all their time sitting at a desk, writing? I don't know, but whoever said it knows NOTHING! I have hardly seen my desk this last month. In fact I have hardly seen it for two months. Perhaps it's not even there anymore. It's probably died of neglect. Poor desk. So this is what I have been doing INSTEAD OF WRITING, WHICH IS WHAT I AM SUPPOSED TO DO! Anyhow, basically I have been whizzing round the country, AGAIN, visiting schools and so on.

Last weekend Gillie and I went away for a weekend break to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We went to a tiny, organic farm, hidden in the hills near Hay-on-Wye. It was brilliant! They had chickens and ducks and geese and cute little black and white goats that went BAAAAAA and tried to put their front feet on my chest. Plus, there were some big, hairy, spotted pigs and one of them had just had a litter of piglets - only one day old. We sang 'Happy Birthday' to them because they'd only just been born. They were pretty cute too, but you should have seen their dad. He was huge - about the same size as a small car and made even more noise.

Gillie and I went walking in the hills and we kept looking at one of the really big ones and we were thinking: could we actually climb that? So, on the actual day of our anniversary we made careful preparations. We put on our climbing boots and waterproof jackets, in case it rained, but it didn't. We packed a bag with essential items - a rug to sit on when we got to the top, some plates and forks, a tin with Gillie's home made carrot cake inside (MY FAVOURITE!) and a bottle of bubbly. Then we set off and we climbed and climbed and climbed and about a year later we reached the top. (Okay, so it only took an hour.) Then we sat there ON TOP OF THE WORLD! We could see for miles and miles. I even spotted Mount Everest AND I'm sure I could see penguins gathering on the Antarctic too. And the pyramids in Egypt. So obviously we could see a LONG WAY. It was brilliant!

Next month I am going to the Moon. See you there! Byeeeeeee!

June

I have just got back from my massive world tour! Well, actually, it was more round and round the UK really, although I have also been to China in the last month - and Switzerland. Switzerland is very clean and tidy. China is very big - massive in fact. The roads and buildings are massive too. I went to the night market one evening in Beijing to get some supper. Guess what the market stalls were selling? Scorpions on a stick! I am not joking - scorpions on kebab sticks. How do you eat those? Help! You could also eat giant millipedes, dragonflies and seahorses. Needless to say, I didn't! I just had an ordinary Chinese takeaway! However, I did get to walk on the Great Wall of China. That was incredible. I actually walked on the most famous wall in the entire world. I got to see the Terracotta Warriors as well. They were extraordinary - 8000 warriors and every one is different.

Almost as soon as I got back I had to set off again on my week-long tour round the UK. I met so many fans; it was wonderful. I do hope all those who came to see me had a good time. The best session of all was at the Hay-on-Wye Festival where 900 of you turned up. I couldn't believe it - NINE HUNDRED! I felt a bit like a rock star dashing on stage and there was this huge crowd looking my way. Was I nervous? YES! Was it fun? YES!

Now I am back home and I am doing very ordinary things like watering the allotment (It's a real bore!), and looking for a new car. My present car is getting very old and tired and it's time to find a new one. What do you think I should get? Jaguar? Ferrari? Prius? Porsche? Aston Martin? Tractor? Smart? I'll tell you in the next blog, 'cos I haven't made up my mind yet!

Have a good time. I'm looking forward to seeing some of you at the schools I am visiting this month.

May

I feel as if I'm living on board planes at the moment. I have just been to Zurich in Switzerland, where I was visiting an school and talking to the children there. We had a brilliant time! I was out there all week, talking to children aged three up to fifteen (but not all at the same time)! The children came from about thirty different countries but all the teaching and learning was done in English, which meant that everyone could understand me. Part of the school was beside a beautiful lake, surrounded by snow-capped mountains. It was lovely and I wanted to stay there forever, especially as the school cooks made the best donuts EVER! However, I came home yesterday and now I am about to whizz off to a Book Festival to speak to children in Shrewsbury. Then, at the end of next week I fly to China with my wife, Gillie. I shall be working out there, talking to children in Beijing school. But after that we are going to do some sightseeing. We hope to see the Great Wall and the Terrcaoota Warriors - and lots of other things too. It's all very exciting! I hope you are having as much fun as I am! Enjoy the sunshine.

April

One day I hope that I will be able to write: I have done nothing at all this month. I haven't visited any schools. I haven't been to any book festivals, I haven't done any writing. I haven't even THOUGHT about writing! But of course that's just a dream and, as usual, I have been racing round, tripping over my own feet, trying to get things done. Having said that, I am quite pleased with myself becayse I did manage to finish off a new story and write a brand new one - WE WANT TO BE OIN THE TELLY. The idea for the new one came to me in one big splurge and I immediately set about writing it. Usually I have to think about my idea for ages and ages before I start writing, but this time I just went for it and the story came out almost word perfect. It's a totally bonkers story and it made me laugh a lot as I wrote it so I hope it makes YOU laugh when you read it. Watch out for it in 2010!

So what else has been going on? Oh yes, I wasn't very well for almost a week. I had a cough and a cold and aches and pains, which wasn't too bad, but I was SO TIRED. I stayed in bed for THREE DAYS and most of that time I was asleep. My wife kept bringing me drinks and things to eat and books to read. After a while I began to feel better but I have to admit it was really nice staying upstairs in bed and being incredibly lazy. I stayed there as long as I could! The down side was that I had to postpone a trip I was supposed to make to Switzerland to visit a school out there. The upside was that I will be giung to the school at the end of this month instead, when the weather will be a whole lot nicer. See you when I get back!

March

I am writing this in my hotel on the fourteenth floor of a hotel in Dubai. There's a festival going on here and yours truly has been invited out to take part. I am hoping to meet up with Anne Fine and Lauren Child this evening as they are out here too. Dubai is a very new kind of city. It has loads of very new, very tall and very shiny buildings. From my hotel window I can see, in the distance, a new skyscraper going up. It will be the tallest building in the world and will reach a height of almost one kilometre from here it looks as thin as a needle but I guess it gets thicker when you stand up close. It's pretty hot outside too, about thirty five degrees, which makes a nice change from gloomy old Britain. There are lots of people sunbathing round the hotel swimming pool. (So why am I shut in my room, blogging this for you, I ask myself? Am I stupid, or what? DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION!) Dubai is a very cosmopolitan place. That means that there are people from all over the world here. In fact, there are about 120 different nationalities here. This morning I shared a hotel lift with a couple from France, an American and three Arabs. Anyhow, I am preparing for tomorrow, when I have a morning session with an audience. Busy, busy, busy.

February was a busy month, too. I was supposed to go to Switzerland for a week to speak to schools in Zurich but sadly I went down with some kind of flu that left me in bed for three days. The whole trip has had to be postponed until April. Being ill in bed is a strange mix of feelings, isn't it? First of all you feel rotten and probably spend at least half the time asleep or dozing. But when you are awake you start building a comfort zone round yourself. You get the books you want, and your iPod, and some comforting drinks, and extra pillows. You make sure everything is to hand, and soon it's so comfortable you think it might actually be nice to spend the rest of your life in bed. And then, (the best bit!), is when your mum or dad (or, in my case, my wife, Gillie), brings up your food and you don't have to do any cooking OR washing up. All you have to do is look poorly and eat all of it. Brilliant! It's just a shame that you have to get pretty ill before all that happens.

So I hope all of you are in the best of health. BYEEEEEE!

February

February. I seem to have spent most of January shut in my shed at the bottom of he garden. You may think I must have been very badly behaved for that to happen but actually I have been writing the next book. Writing is a strange thing. Sometimes it goes well, and sometimes it doesn't go at all and most of the time it hovers somewhere between. Anyhow, I have just about finished the book. More importantly January is defintely almost finished. I hate January. It's cold, gloomy, miserable, dark, stinky, generally pointless and totally poo. That's what I think. February isn't much better except that it's three days shorter than January so there's less of it to put up with. Hooray! I can't wait for the Spring and some sun and some leaves and frogspawn in the pond. (I saved a HUGE frog from next door's cat yesterday and slipped it into our pond, safe and sound.)

I did do one really good thing last week though. I went to Istanbul, which is in Turkey. It's a beautiful, wonderful city, very colourful and rather different from most European cities. I was talking to children in schools out there. The childen are learning english, so they were able to understand me, because I speak very little turkish. The city is full of people trying to sell you things like an umbrella if it's raining or sunglasses if it isn't, or give you a guided tour or polish your shoes, even if they don't need polishing.

Next week I am going to Switzerland to talk to children there and I've been told to wrap up warm because it's very cold and snowy. I'm shivering already. And I've got a feeling that when I get back I shall be sent to the shed again. Can I stay at home, in bed, please?

January

Another whole year has gone whizz bang and disappeared in a cloud of smoke and fireworks. Hey ho, it's 2009! Happy New Year to all you blog-readers. I hope you all had a fantastical Christmas and a poppin' New Year. I wonder what you all did? I went to a small party and after that my wife Gillie and I drove to a big field and we lit a sky balloon. It took a lot of matches to get the flame going but eventually it caught and the balloon filled with hot air. The wind caught it and whisked it away and away, up into the sky. It was freezing cold but the balloon looked so brave as it bobbed about in the wind and raced upwards until we could no longer see it. We sent it with all our wishes for the New Year and i hope they all come true!

After that we dashed back into the car to get warm. We came back home, had a little drink of bubbly, put our feet up and watched telly until the Big Ben chimes went. Eventually we crawled into bed and went to sleep. Did any of you stay up to see in the New Year? Some people say that 2009 is going to be a miserable year but I think it is going to brilliant. In fact I reckon we can all help to make 2009 a wonderful year. All you have to do is smile at people. Smiling makes you feel happier and it makes other people feel happier too. My New Year resolution is to try and smile a great deal more. And I'm going to eat more chocolate. And play with the cat more. And I'm going to give everyone I see a BIG KISS - old ladies, old men, babies in prams, shopkeepers, bald people, hairy people, young and old, cats, dogs, budgerigars, lizards, frogspawn, stick insects, spiders, elephants, earwigs, Gordon Brownperson - I shall kiss them all. 2009 is going to be KISSES FOR ALL YEAR - so watch out! MWAH! MWAH!

December

I don't believe it! BEWARE! KILLER TOMATOES has gone and done it again. It has now won FOUR awards this year! The most recent one was the Sheffield Children's Book Award. It's a great event. The Civic Centre in Sheffield was packed out with over a thousand children from I don't know how many schools. Many of them had helped choose the winners by voting for them. The Children's Laureate, Michael Rosen, came on stage and did a warm-up act with the audience joining in some of his poems. Then the winners of each category were announced, and KILLER TOMATOES won its category. That was the first good thing, and I can tell you my heart was thumping!

There were three category winners and out of that lot one book was chosen as overall winner and it was KILLER TOMS! (And by that time my heart sounded like a whole roomful of drums!) I am absolutely thrilled to a billion bits and pieces.

In the afternoon I did a session with some lovely children from a local school and then I went home with my trophy. It was a very long train journey through the cold, dark night and I didn't get home until late. Guess what I did when I finally reached home? Yes! Opened a bottle of champagne! Cheers! And I also got some other good news.

LOST! THE HUNDRED MILE AN HOUR DOG has been shortlisted for a Blue Peter Award next year. Help! I don't know if my heart can take much more of this thumping!

November

I'm sitting by the swimming pool at our little villa in Southern Turkey. The sun is shining and there's a lovely cool breeze blowing off the very blue sea. People keep telling me that it's been snowing in Britain and it's very cold. That is very hard to believe, sitting here! Yesterday my wife and I and some friends went on a boat trip and swam in the sea – it was so warm. However, later today we will begin the journey back to the UK and winter - ugh!

I love coming out to this place. The people are so friendly, the food is terrific, the views are wonderful and I always manage to get lots of writing done out here because it is so relaxing. I have started work on a brand new series. I can't tell you much about it yet because it's TOP SECRET but I think you will love it becase it's going to be very exciting and funny and full of animals and odd people.

The villa here is full of animals too - at least the garden is. There are a lot of stray cats and dogs in the village and six of the cats have taken over our garden. They have been living here now for three years and it's lovely to come back each year and see them again. One of them even likes to come right inside and sleep on one of the armchairs - which is exactly what he is doing as I write, all stretched out as if he owns the place - and I guess he does, in a way!

That's all for now. Got to go and pack my bags and put on all those horrible winter clothes, ready for the British cold. Brrrrrrrr!

October

What a busy bee! I have just done five days of visits, one after the other, and now I am exhausted. However, it was wonderful to meet so many fans, especially at Bexhill and Bath. I have been trying out a new road show - Jeremy Strong's Big Jam Explosion. It's great fun, although it's still very new and I am going to make some changes to it so it is even funnier. At the end I threw donuts into the audience. (INTO the audience, not AT them!) After that I was visiting schools. The result of all that work is that I am typing this in bed because I am so tired and have a sore throat. Ahhhh! Poor little bunny-wunny! I have got a holiday coming up soon and I am really looking forward to it. Gillie and I have a villa in Turkey. Turkey is very beautiful and the people there are wonderfully kind and helpful. I love going there. Now then, I hope you have all noticed that my new book for Christmas, THE BATTLE FOR CHRISTMAS is out in the shops. It's completely bonkers mad, and exciting too - which is how you like them, I think. Let me know how you get on with it! And while you do that I shall be plotting and planning the next book. Ta ta!

September

Last month I told you I was working on a new Streaker story for Christmas. This month I can tell you that it is now finished. Hooray!

In fact I finished it three days ago and now it is sitting with my editor at Puffin. The next thing that happens is that my editor will read it through. If she likes it she will probably want me to make some changes. She will also point out where I have made mistakes. If you change the word "editor" to "teacher" then you will get the idea!

Sometimes my editor and I don't agree, but we always manage to sort it out without arguing. Of course, it's a bit different when you're in school because your teacher just says you're wrong and you have to go away and put it right. At least that's what my teachers were always telling me. (I must have got things wrong an awful lot.) I guess it sounds as if I spent the whole time just writing that story - and by the way it's called CHRISTMAS CHAOS FOR THE 100 MPH DOG - but my wife, Gillie and I did have a short break out in France.

We went to visit my mother and also to get away from THE HORRIBLE RAIN WE'VE BEEN HAVING FOR THE LAST CENTURY! (That's what it feels like, at any rate.) And it has been so COLD, too - like winter. I keep expecting to have to shovel my way through six metres of snow to get to my shed at the bottom of the garden. Anyhow, guess what? IT WAS RAINING IN FRANCE TOO! It shouldn't be allowed. Luckily it got sunny a couple of days later. My mum has three and a half cats. She doesn't think they are her cats because they don't exactly belong to her.

However, they do spend all their time in her garden, and they would come into the house if she let them because she feeds them. They are sort of strays, but not proper ones. I say there are three and a half because there are three adults and one kitten - Titus, Little Grey, Smudge and Blanc. Little Grey is the furriest, purriest one.

And that's all for now! Hope to see LOADS of you at the Bexhill Festival on Sep 27th, and the Bath Festival on Sep 28th!

August

I seem to remember writing last month about how busy things were getting. Well, things haven't changed. What a surprise! Last month I did lots of work, lots of visits, got married, and went to New York for two weeks. (So not that much happened!) I have to tell you that New York was BRILLIANT. I went to the top of the Empire State Building. Let's face it, if you visit New York there are certain things that you HAVE TO DO, and going to the top of the Empire State is one of them, even if you do queue for ages. You get a brilliant view of the city. Anyhow, Gillie and I spent most of our time eating, shopping and visiting art galleries, because we both love paintings and sculpture and so on. We saw some amazing stuff. After that we went north into the Hudson River Valley to stay with Gillie's uncle in his rather fabulous home. We also spent one night in a lighthouse on the river! It was the night of the full moon so it was all very beautiful and quiet and dark. We had some chinese hot air balloons. You light a wick at the bottom and the paper balloon fills with hot air and they gently lift off into the sky and float away on the breeze - absolute magic! They were different colours and each balloon is about the size of a small bedside cabinet.

Back at the house we spent most of our time just lounging by the pool, swimming, reading and watching the chipmunks playing in the garden, and the squirrels and deer and loads of different birds. It was like being in the middle of a small zoo. The deer would wander around in the evening, with their dappled fawns at their sides. So as you can tell, we had a terrific holiday, which was also our honeymoon of course. Now it's back to normality and I am in the shed at the bottom of the garden and I'm working on the next book. It's not due out until Christmas 2009 and it is a special xmas story about Streaker, the hundred mile an hour dog. I'm also working on a brand new series, but that is TOP SECRET and you're not allowed to know anything about it yet in case I change my mind about some of the ideas I've already come up with. Hope your summer hols have been as wonderful as mine! Byeeeeeeeeeeee!

July

Wow! What a whoosh-whizz-wham-bam-dippity-doo-dah month it's been! I've been whizzing about, as usual, visiting schools and libraries and saying 'hello!' to anyone who'd listen. But on top of that BEWARE! KILLER TOMATOES has won two book awards and been short-listed for two more. I'm so excited! Not only that, BUT - guess what? - I've also got MARRIED! (And that's even more exciting.) Gillie and I had the most fantastic wedding party in a MOROCCAN TENT. That means all the insides were draped in red, blue and gold cloth. There were twinkly lights everywhere and loads of candles. We had a special birthday cake too, although it wasn't just one cake it was actually about seventy little fairy cakes with amazing decorations on them. So we had to slice up one tiny cake - there's this huge knife slicing up a teeny-weeny cakelet. It looks really funny in the photos! We are going to go on honeymoon next week for two weeks, visiting New York for a week and some friends who live near there. I'll tell you all about it when we get back. So, Empire State Building - here I come!

I have also been thinking about the next book. It's going to be a Christmas story about Streaker, but I don't know what is going to happen yet. I'm looking forward to writing a new story with Streaker in it as I haven't done one for little while. I enjoyed writing the last two Christmas stories - INVASION OF THE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS and THE BATTLE FOR CHRISTMAS (out in October!), and I'm hoping I will enjoy doing the new one just as much. I must say it feels a bit odd to be writing about Christmas in July! And it's not even for Christmas

THIS YEAR. It's for 2009!

I shall have to go now - I must start packing for New York. Have a great July - holiday-time soon - yay!

June

I've finished the story! Hooray! It's always interesting trying to write in a way I haven't tried before. I like to give myself little challenges. Like, when I was writing LOST! THE 100 MPH DOG, it's Streaker who tells the story so I had to pretend to be a dog while I was writing it. This time my challenge was to try and write something that was like a horror story but also funny. I think it's worked. It made me laugh, anyhow! Now I have a bit of space to myself before I start work on the next book. I'm still out there doing visits, but there aren't so many now because in the middle of June I AM GETTING MARRIED! (Help!) So please ask for the sun to shine on June 21st!

Now then, last month I was telling you that I was going up to Scotland. Well, I have to tell you that I once went to Scotland for a holiday and it rained EVERY SINGLE DAY for three weeks. We got soaked. Okay, so that was several years ago and it was in August, not May. Anyhow, this time I packed sixteen wet weather coats, just in case. (I'm exaggerating slightly - I only packed one.) And guess what? It didn't rain at all! FOUR DAYS OF SUNSHINE! We had a brilliant time, staying with friends and also visiting a school in Benderloch, near Oban. The children were great. (The teachers were okay, too!) We went for lots of walks in utterly beautiful countryside. It was such a lovely place to be. There was snow on Ben Nevis! (A patch or two.)

Now I have lots of things to do to get ready for the wedding, so it's just as well I have a bit of time before starting writing again. There are all the guests to organise, and the food and the drink and the music and the tent, (it's a Moroccan tent - very colourful inside!), and the decorations and the clothes and the seating arrangements and the glasses and the chiller cabinet and the wiring and the flowers - not to mention ourselves because we have to dress up, don't we? Maybe I'll go as a vampire.

May

Gosh, it's May already. Everything has been wildly busy! I'm working on a new story. I can't say too much about it except that it's a sort of horror story, but a funny one. Funny horror? Will that work? Wait and see! I've had a busy few weeks, with lots of visits. I went to Cork, in Ireland, where I met some lovely people and had a couple of good sessions with children there. I'm hoping to go out again next year. I also met up with lots of fans at Dulwich - so it's 'Hello" to Dulwich! It was a good session. Yesterday I visited a school in my home town for their May Fair. That was fun too. They were celebrating thirty years in their new buildings and they had a special cake I had to cut.

I've got more visits coming up this month - Bristol, London, Scotland - and that's just this week! I'm looking forward to Scotland because Gillie and I are going up for the weekend as well. We have friends who live up there and it will be good to see them. They live near Fort William, which is almost right in the middle of Scotland. Then after that I hope there will be a bit of peace and quiet because I HAVE GOT TO GET THIS BOOK FINISHED, otherwise I shall feel as if I'm in a horror story myself.

It gets difficult to write sometimes because if I get up from my chair and go out of the room my cat, Jeeves, immediately comes in and sits in my place. I used to put a heavy book there to stop him, but he just pushes it off! Now I put two large, heavy objects there. That's stopped him - so far! Oh well, back to work.

April

What a crazy month I've had. First of all I did some visits to schools, which were brilliant. Everyone wanted to get signed books - it was manic. (Well, actually it was more PANIC than manic. Manic Panic? yeah - that's what it was!) I put the finishing touches to a new story - MY BROTHER'S HOT CROSS BOTTOM. Then i went whizzing off to Turkey for ten days and what happened while I was out there? I went to a BBQ on the beach for a friend's birthday. It was all adults except for one eleven year old boy, Callum. He'd bought a book at the airport and was enjoying it. You've guessed! He was reading THE 100 MPH DOG. So the next day his parents invited me to come over and Callum cooked pancakes for everyone. YOU'RE A TOP COOK, CALLUM! It was brilliant. (I had banana in mine.)

When I got back I visited a load more schools and my feet have hardly touched the ground. I'm hoping to get some time soon so that I can start work on the next book. And no - I'm not going to tell you what it's about - at least not yet. (You want to know why? Because I DON'T KNOW what it's going to be about!)

Hope you all have a great April!

March

I've just done something that is nice but very brain-stretching. I have bought myself a new laptop. I have had my iBook for several years and it's been getting a bit slow recently. I have just upgraded to a new MacBook. The problem with new computers is that you have to get used to new programmes and new ways of working. It's all a bit time consuming and since I am also in the middle of writing a new short story it's even more complicated and testing than usual.

'What's the new story?' I hear you ask. Well, it's a special short story about the INDOOR PIRATES. It's going into my Joke Book that will be coming out shortly. There will be loads of good things in the book - not just jokes, so watch out for it!

It was great to meet so many huge fans at the Imagine Festival on London's South Bank last week. I couldn't believe the queue for book signing. It seemed to stretch on forever. Thanks to all those who waited so patiently. Oh well, I guess I'd better get back to the story! Have a good month! I've got lots of schools to visit in March so I'm looking forward to seeing some of out out there soon.

February

Phew! I think I'm still recovering from Christmas and the New Year. My waist still hasn't got back to normal size. By the time you read this I shall probably be on the opposite side of the globe as I am about to set off for a week of working in schools in Kuala Lumpur, Malaya, and also in Singapore. I'm really looking forward to it. Singapore sits practically ON the Equator, so it will be VERY hot! I've been told to take light clothes and an umbrella, as it rains a lot. (Not much different from the UK then, apart from the heat!) This last month I have been working hard on the new book. It's almost finished and I hope to have it done by the time I leave for Gatwick Airport at the end of this week. There's a big change coming up in my writing life too. My editor for the last fifteen years, Yvonne, is retiring and so I shall be getting a new editor, Shannon. Yvonne and I have worked together forever it seems and we have done thirty books together. THIRTY! It's all been great fun and she's been brilliant.

So - HAVE A HAPPY RETIREMENT, YVONNE!

January

Sorry this is late! I have just got back from Turkey. We went there for a week to celebrate the New Year.

It was fantastic! We went to a restaurant beside the harbour. There was a big bonfire outside and several smaller bonfires that had been built in wheelbarrows. Every so often the waiters would move the wheelbarrows round to different tables so that everyone kept warm - it was brilliant! After the meal there was dancing and of course, when 2008 arrived, lots of fireworks went shooting up into the sky. All the dancers had sparklers and flares - it was really great. So we all did lots of jiving around the big bonfire and then some of the Turkish men and women did their traditional dancing, which was AMAZING! It is just so good - and very funny too when some of the waiters joined in and did a lot of clever clowning around. What a great way to see in the New Year!

Now I am back in Britain, in my shed at the bottom of the garden and I have to knuckle down to writing the new book. I'm not saying anything about it yet. It's all top secret, so sssssshhhhhhhhhh!

December

Christmas is coming, etc etc! I quite like Christmas, although I have to admit there are some things I don't like about it. Christmas Pudding - that is the pits! And Christmas Cake isn't any better. Yuk yuk yuk.

Actually, I think my dislike of these things is getting quite well known and it's all because of INVASION OF THE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS.

Despite all this you will never guess what happened yesterday. My partner, Gillie, spent the whole day making christmas cakes - five of them - and then said that she had to go out for the evening so would I keep an eye on them? She told me they were in the oven cooking and all I had to do was get them out, make sure they were cooked through properly and then turn them out of their tins. Well, how daft is that? It's amazing I didn't throw them into the dustbin or flush them down the toilet. Oh well, I guess I don't actually have to eat them, thank goodness.

I have been working on a new Christmas story, ready for 2008 - more news about thast later. In between working I have been out doing my christmas shopping. I have found some brilliant books but best of all is a self-inflating whoopee cushion. I'm going to give it to my grandson, Sam, along with one or two other things. And then I'm going to make his mum sit on it. Whoopee! (Dont tell anyone - it's a secret.) Now I must go and get all my christmas cards done. I hope you all have a fantastic christmas and a brilliant, sparkling 2008.

HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

November

Oh boy, sometimes, I wonder if I shall ever stop racing round seeing people. October was stuffed full of visits all over the place, and November isn't looking much better. However, I shouldn't complain. I love going into schools, meeting lots of fans and having a laugh with them. (Sometimes we even manage to a bit serious, but not for long!) And this month I have a bit of a treat because I am flying out to Malta where I shall spend a whole week visiting schools across the island and also seeing something of the island itself. I am really looking forward to it. A lot of the children on Malta have already been leaving me messages on the Message Board of the website.

I have also been spending a lot of time recently thinking about the next book to write. It's going to be another story about My Brother's Famous Bottom, and I am wondering just what sort of adventured Cheese can get up to next. I have one or two ideas up my sleeve but I am not going to give away any clues in case I change my mind. This is one of the things I have noticed about writing - I start off with an idea in mind but often it changes as i actually do the writing. That's because I sometimes think of something better to use instead. When you're writing a story you have to be prepared to change what you write.

And now I shall reveal what my most un-favourite question is. This is what I asked in almost every school I visit: "What football team do you support?"

And I shall tell you right now that I never answer that question! If you knew the answer then some of you would go: 'Boooo!' and some of you would go: 'Yeah! Hooray!', and lots of you wouldn't care one way or the other. So I don't answer it at all. Beware - you have been warned!

October

October starts with a bang. I'm visiting schools every day of the first week and then ending up on the Friday and Saturday at the Cheltenham Festival. It's all good fun but also a lot of work. I went to a school on Monday and I was showing the 6 year olds a picture of my mother when she was young, holding my little baby sister. I said: "My mother doesn't look like that now because she's just had her 85th birthday." One of the children called out: "Wow! She's almost dead!"

Well, I managed to get the Christmas story I was working on finished at last. It is now safe with my editor at Puffin. It will come out in time for Christmas 2008. It's all about some very strange and incredible pyjamas. There certainly seems to have been a lot going on recently. I have been writing and visiting and in between I have managed to fit in my daughter Jessica's wedding. We had a great time, with lots of silly dancing and singing. It was a really happy occasion and Jess of course looked stunning! (Her husband didn't look bad either!)

September

I've just been gazing at my blog for August and you know that picture of me at the top of the page? Well the hair's all wrong. I'm grey, not black! I've been grey for years and years!

Anyhow, never mind. I'm still working away on the new story and it's coming on well. In the meantime of course the latest book is hitting the shops. It's a special title for Christmas - INVASION OF THE CHRISTMAS PUDDINGS!

It is completely bonkers and I hope you really will laugh your socks off.

There has been so much work going on that I am going to take a bit of a holiday. I shall be spending the beginning of September in Turkey. I still have a lot of work to do on the new story so I shall take my laptop out with me and do a fair bit of writing, I hope. If I get too tired I can always dive into the pool, or wander down to the beach, have an ice cream or two or three and a nice cold drink. We are going to hire a boat for the day too, so we can go to all the little hidden bays nearby and swim in the clear blue sea - fab!

Or maybe I'll just wander into town, have a long, cool drink and a luscious meal. Am I making you all envious? I am so sorry - NOT!

When I get back my daughter Jessica is getting married, so I have that to look forward to as well. It's going to be a great month. Have fun, everyone!

August

It's going to be a busy month. I'm starting a new story. Ssssh - top secret! Don't ask what it's about because I can't tell you. All I can say is that it is going to be upROARious. That's a tiny clue, by the way.

There's a new book out this month - PIRATE SCHOOL: A VERY FISHY BATTLE.

It came out on August 1st. It's another story about that dreadful Pirate School headteacher - Patagonia Clatterbottom, plus all the other teachers and pupils. The Woppagobs return and cause all sorts of problems.

Anyhow, you'd think that because most people are on their summer holidays there wouldn't be much for me to do. In fact I shall be busy up at the Edinburgh Festival. I shall also be helping to judge the Silentnight story writing competition. I have seen many of the stories and there are some fantastic ones. All we have to do now is pick a winner, and that is going to be very, very difficult.

It's amazing how many good young writers are out there, scribbling away.

I visited a school recently and I asked how many liked writing stories at home. Lots of hands went up, and I asked one girl where she went to write her stories at home.

'In the bedroom,' she told me.

'Whereabouts? Do you sit at a desk or lie on your bed?'

She shook her head. 'I hide in the cupboard!'

Brilliant!

I hope I can get lots of writing done this month and then, right at the end of August, I am going away for a two week holiday to Turkey. I've been there twice before, and it's wonderful. It's always good to have something to look forward to, don't you think? Happy hols!

July

Just when I was supposed to go whizzing off to visit some schools I got a cough, and a very annoying cough it was, too. It kept me awake at night and stopped me from speaking during the day. I got rid of that eventually and then went to visit a rather special school in Surrey. I had SUCH a BIG surprise! You will never guess who the head-teacher was?

She turned out to be an old friend from a long time ago (THIRTY SEVEN YEARS!) who used to be involved with the jazz-rock band I was in - The Inedible Cheese Sandwich! We had a great time sharing our memories from long ago and catching up on what has happened to us since.

Now I am back home, sorting through piles of mail - most of it from you lot! - and answering it. I am also preparing to write a new story.

That means I stare out of the window a lot and close my eyes a lot and drift off to - NO! I'M WORKING! HONESTLY! At the end of last week my partner Gillie and I went to a Summer Ball! It was rather posh and wonderful. Gillie's oldest daughter has just left school (she's almost 18) and the occasion was the Leaver's Ball. It was great fun, even though we had to wear evening jackets and bow ties. (I don't like wearing a tie!) I have to admit I got a bit worn out by the frantic dancing and had to sit down. And then lie down. And then go to sleep...

zzzzzz.

June

It's a strange time. It feels as if my mind is in two places. I'm thinking towards the next story I'm planning to write. It's going to be a story for Christmas, 2008, but it has to be written now. It feels strange to be thinking about Christmas when it's the middle of the year and the height of summer.

At the same time I am also very busy visiting schools so I don't actually have the time to write at the moment even though I'm thinking about it.

I have spent most of the last week in Holland, in The Hague, visiting english-speaking schools. It's always fascinating to go into these schools because you meet people from so many countries. One school I visited had pupils from over thirty different countries - and there they all were playing and learning together. It was brilliant! One of the schools had a pair of storks nesting in a tree beside their play area. The storks were raising two young. Storks are quite rare now and are protected birds so everyone was wildly excited to have this pair nesting so close to their classrooms. I went up on the school roof with some of the staff to watch them through a telescope. And I have never seen so many bicycles! EVERYBODY seems to ride a bicycle in Holland. I took a photograph of the main carpark at the central station because it didn't have a single car parked in it - it was filled with thousands of bicycles instead. Amazing!

May

I've had a strange few weeks recently as I have been slowly moving house. I have moved to a pretty, small town in Wiltshire. It has a lovely river and a coffee bar with outside tables and lots of interesting buildings. There's a also a canal and you can go boating. I have been moving bits and pieces over several days. Jeeves (my cat) has settled in very well and he now has three friends who also live here - Bandit, Zorro and Tinkerbell.

Meanwhile I have also been racing to finish a new story about MY BROTHER. I managed to finish it last weekend and it is now with Puffin.

I won't tell you what happens, but I will say that when you read it you will discover a carrot called Cecily Sprout, who wears barbie outfits, several hens (all called Chicken Nugget), and a yurt. So what happens next? Well, I have several visits coming up. I am going to visit some schools in Scotland, and then I go to Brighton, Telford, and the Hay Festival. After that I fly to Holland to visit a school there for several days. Then it's back to England for several more schools before I stop for a summer break.

Maybe I'll see you somewhere!

April

It's an odd life, being an author. Some weeks I seem to spend all day stuck in my room all on my own, writing. And then at other times I hardly seem to be at home. I have spent most of March visiting schools all over the place. For example yesterday I was in Milan, Italy, talking to children in an English-speaking school out there. Life has been very busy! On top of all of that I am also preparing to move house, so there's lots to do.

However, it is also TIME FOR A HOLIDAY - so I say HOORAY! to that. Even writers have to have holidays. I know you lot probably think that all we do is lounge around pretending we're thinking, but I can tell you that LOUNGING AROUND IS VERY HARD WORK SOMETIMES! So I am going to Turkey for ten days to stay in a villa beside the Mediterranean and I hope that the sun is going to shine. I went to the same place last year and it is very beautiful and people out there are hugely kind and lovely. Food's good too! So yum yum! Byeeee!

March

Phew! What a week! World Book Day has just finished in a whirl. I joined seven other Book Day authors at The Globe Theatre in London, where we each did a ten minute 'show'. It was great fun and I got to meet Anthony Horowitz for the first time, and Caroline Lawrence too. We were all given a bottle of bubbly too - yum yum!

At the moment I seem to be spending all my time 'on the road'. I went to the Blue Peter offices on Tuesday to do some filming for the Blue Peter website so you can see that being a writer doesn't mean being chained to my desk all day, scribbling away. In fact I could really do with some writing time at the moment. I need to get a new story done by the end of April. It usually takes a month or so to produce a story, so I'm already running out of time.

Help!

And guess what? I have a new grandchild - Ben. He's my second grandchild. (Sam is three.) And guess what my grandchildren call me? GRUMPY!

February

The last month has been pretty hectic. My editor liked LOST! THE HUNDRED MILE AN HOUR DOG, and it is already going through the next stage of getting it ready for publication. Nick Sharratt is probably working on the cover as I write this! I love it when I see his ideas come in.

But, big secret - I've also been working furiously on a story for next Christmas! I am not going to tell you what it is called yet, but it has an awful lot of deadly christmas puddings in it.

I am now gearing up for next week, when the big HUNDRED MILE AN HOUR DOG ROADSHOW gets under way. All next week I shall be away from home visiting St Alban's, Coventry, Stockport, Manchester and Reigate. I hope to meet lots of new readers and lots of fans.

It's going to be pretty hectic and my cat Jeeves will be pretty miffed because I won't be around to feed him. He is going to stay with some friends for the week.

He's been there before, but he prefers being here because I give him treats!

January

Just finished writing another story about Streaker. It’s called LOST! THE HUNDRED MILE AN HOUR DOG. I had meant to write it this summer, but things didn’t work out because I found myself very busy with other things. It’s always a good feeling to finish a new book. Now it’s with my editor at Puffin and she is busy reading it. I’m waiting to find out what she thinks. It’s a bit like handing your work over to your teacher for marking!

I’m going to make myself a cup of tea now. I still use loose tea - I don’t like tea-bags. I mix my own, with a bit of Assam, some Earl Grey and some English Breakfast. And I only put in a tiny bit of milk. I HATE MILKY THINGS! Rice Pudding - YUK! the SMELL of HOT MILK - double YUK!