Hi,

I’m Streaker – some people call me the hundred-mile-an-hour dog, but they only have two legs. Anyway, every month I’m going to tell you what I’ve been doing seeing as I am the fastest dog in the world!

Streaker

November

Well after all the excitement of Halloween (I didn’t get to go as a Hot Dog in the end, they just put a pumpkin out in front of the house and let me chase it around. It was pretty quick for a vegetable – every time I got close enough to catch it, it bounced away! WOOF!!), it’s time for me to hang out inside.

See, bonfire night gives me the collywobbles. I think it was in my puppyhood, before I learnt about rockets, sparklers and roman candles, when I gave Trevor the slip and got a bit too close to a catherine wheel. Cor! It went right off, all spinning around! I thought I was going mad from all the lights and colours! I don’t mind telling you, I spent a few weeks hiding under the kitchen table with my tail between my legs after that one.

So this month I’m keeping my profile low and seeing what kind of treats I can find in the house. Remember to keep your cats and dogs inside on bonfire night too! And maybe give them a special treat, because even the bravest, fastest, Streakerest dogs don’t like fireworks (especially ones that go BANG, or EEEEEEEEE-FIZZ).

I’m thinking there MUST be some funsize chocolates left over from Halloween, so I’m going to sniff them out, in double-quick time, and then lie down to watch one of my favourite films. Maybe Flash Gordon, or Speed Racer! WOOOOF!

October

Turns out it is a big PAIN to get paint out of sofas and uniforms. There weren’t many doughnuts in the house for a while after that. Never mind! WOOF!! There’s always a way to entertain yourself… if you’re the fastest dog in the world, like me.

The leaves are falling in the garden and it’s so MUCH fun just to whizzzz around after them. (I’m pretty sure I could catch them all if only I could stay out there long enough. Every time I turn around lickety-split there are MORE! FANTASTIC GAME! Problem is, it doesn’t half get cold in the evening and pretty soon my tail turns into a frosticle and the living room starts to look pretty nice - even if it doesn’t have any leaves for chasing. I like to flop down in front of a warm fire sometimes! Gives me more energy for later!)

Autumn is the best season, paws down. I LOVE Halloween. It’s the best time to take everyone up and down the road at super Streaker speed and collect SWEETS (and apples! Apples in water, for splashing! WOOF!!). Last year I went so fast I got pumpkins stuck on three of my feet and went headfirst into a creepy scarecrow in someone’s garden. OOPS.

I’ve been thinking about my costume for AGES (when I’m not catching five million leaves a minute in the garden, of course). It’s difficult to explain what sort of costume I’d like to everyone in the house. They don’t seem to understand that three short barks (RARF, RARF, WOOF like that) means HOT DOG PLEASE. Because I am a dog! And I travel at scorching speed! See - it’s brilliant.

I’m starting early because doing arts and crafts with paws is difficult (my paint and glitter adventures last month were FUN but I sneezed for AGES) . . .

Whups! Mum’s shouting – it’s dinner time. And it’s HOT DOGS! I’m going to RUN down there right now and use all my powers of mime to explain that when you’re as speedy as me there’s only one thing to be: a zipping, zooming dog - blazing like a comet! Wish me luck! WOOOOF!!

September

WOOF! Hi! How are you? I’m GRRREAT. Double great! Though I didn’t half get a scare just the other day . . .

I was running up and down the house (I don’t just mean up and down in one room, of COURSE, I mean running at super-Streaker-speed from the back door RIGHT up the stairs and into the bathroom, where I do an AMAZING twirl and then gallop back down to the back door in case something exciting happened in the garden, and then back upstairs in case something exciting happened in the bathroom – nothing much ever does except sometimes there’s someone in it and I have to do a MASSIVE brrrrrake or make a dog shaped hole in the door, and that doesn’t always work. Where was I?), and I noticed that there was something MISSING.

For a moment I couldn’t figure out what it was. I checked every room. Then I realised. TREVOR! Gone! I couldn’t believe it! I barked and barked and barked (because that usually makes people come running, even if they only want me to be quiet), but there was no-one about.

I decided to act fast (because I’m the fastest dog in the world) and make a MISSING: BOY, QUITE TALL, HAS DOUGHNUTS SOMETIMES, ANSWERS TO NAME OF TREVOR poster. I managed to get the cupboard with all the paints and glue open with my nose, but I got a bit stuck - literally! – with one paw in the red paint and one paw in blue and a very sneezy amount of glitter in my face.

Once I’d finished getting rid of MOST of the paint (on the sofa – nice one Mum, white is the best colour to show when you’ve got the paint off) and done a HUGE amount of sneezing, I heard the front door open and ran to tell whoever it was that Trevor was MISSING MISSING MISS- and of course it was Trevor himself in his SCHOOL UNIFORM!! That’s where he’d been all day. Cor!

I had to bowl him right over, WOOMPH. He seemed pretty pleased to see me, and I think purple paw prints will be the BEST possible thing to have on your school uniform this year. All up and down BOTH sides! Stylish!

Hang on a minute – here comes Mum with a bucket of water. Scramble! WOOOOOOOF!!!

August

The other day I was watching this programme about The Olympics so then I had a great idea to host my actual very own mini Olympics in the back garden. BONZA! Sadly Gary Linneker wasn’t available to report on it though... Raaaaargh!

The athletes competing were me and Trevor two-legs – no contest really!? - and the sports included the 100 metre sprint (No guesses who won THAT!), the round-and-round frisbee thingy-whatsit and then the specially very long jumpy thing.

The 100 metre sprint was a breeze. I ZOOOOOMED it around the garden. WHOOSH! In the bag. Then we went round and round and round with the flat round Frisbee-thingy until we were all a spin and let go! Whizz! I got caught in my tail unfortunately so Trevor won that one…

So we were all square as we went into the decider - The long jump thingy-me-jig. We made our starting line, we lined up behind. Trevor went first but he didn’t go very far. Only about as long as my practice run. HA HA the gold was mine! Then I started running up to my jump and phewy, I’m off the ground and the wind is whooshing my ears flat to my head. I’m going REALLY REALLY far. But hang on, what’s that? CLANG! I’d gone SO far I’d gone clean through the garden fence! Eeek, Trevor’s mum did not like that…

But hey, I’m still the all-time Olympic Champion of the Back Garden!

July

This week I got my foot caught in the drain pipe in the MIDDLE of the road. I really did! YIKES!

But a man in a white van heard my barking and came to yank me out. He pulled and he pulled but I was totally completely 100% never-coming-out-of-this-hole stuck! I’d been running at top speed you see and hadn’t seen the pipe. Luckily though, his friend in the van came to help and the two of them twisted and bent and plied - OW-WOW-WOW-WOW!!!!!! - until I was out.

The men from the van were dressed really strangely in orange and black jumpsuits but they did give me a bit of their sandwich. WHIZZO! But eeeeeurrrrrgh, I had to spit it ALL out. It was G-R-O-S-S! Who puts sweetcorn in a sandwich, I ask you!

Don’t worry though, I then ate 5 pizzas (with ham, pepperoni, onions, tomato AND cheeeeeeeeeese) all in one go.

And then I was sick.

June

I was thinking the other day that I would like to perform at the Royal Variety Show. So, it got me thinking… what would my special talent be??!! Of course I could zooooooom around the stage at 100-miles-an-hour OR what about eating a record-breaking amount of donuts!? Nobody’s done that before, right? HA HA! Now, any artiste will tell you you have to practice. And as I already know I’m the fastest dog in the WORLD I focused on donuts. Luckily Trevor’s mum had just been to the supermarket so the house was full of all kinds of donuts – with chocolate, with jam and sugar, and even with cinnamon (although these are the worst – too healthy! Gerumph!) Anyway, you get the picture, there were LOTS! Yummeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

When everyone had gone out, I got all the donuts together – roughly 50 million all together – and got started… The first 10 were easy and I wolfed them down in a minute. Chomp chomp chomp By the second 10, I was starting to think that I shouldn’t have had my breakfast before. By the third 10, my tummy looked like it had a balloon in it but I was still optimistic and by the fourth 10, I was slowing down a bit and feeling really sleepy so I thought I’d just have a quick power nap. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… OH NO! What’s that?! Trevor and his mum are home! And when they saw the mess, I used my most amazing talent of all and RAN as fast as fast can be. FWWOWWWWWWW!

Trevor’s mum was so angry though that I’ll have to wait until next year’s Royal Variety Show, which gives me a whole 12 months to practice eating lots MORE donuts…

May

I hope May is as good a month as April cause April is the bestest month in the world ever! Cause do you know what happens in April! The London marathon! Yep, that’s right. And guess who was running - no SPRINTING, no that’s still not right… ZOOOOMING - around the capital. STREEEEEEAAAAAKER, the 100-mile-an-hour dog, that’s who!

Paula Radcliffe had nothing on me! And I whizzed past the people dressed as clowns, I was nothing but a cloud of dust as I ran past the big birds, the giant chickens, the stage cows and, well, EVERYONE!

And now it’s only 11 months and 17 days until next year’s marathon and I think I might even set up my very own charity to run for next year. I know the best cause in the world. Yep, bingo! It’s ME! HA HA! And I know exactly what I’ll call my charity too. It will be Streaker’s 100-miles-an-hour Foundation: Blink and you’ll miss me! ZOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

April

It’s April Fool’s Day, right, so it goes without saying that I HAD to play a trick on Trevor. But what would I do? GERUMPH! I racked my brain for days and days and then… BINGO! Light bulbs flash, pennies drop, that’s it! I was going to put a fack plastic dog poo on his bed. Tee He He! I already had one you see from my last birthday, ha ha. So I creeped into his bedroom late at night when he was sleeping (and snoring!) and I was reeeeeeeaaaaaalllly quiet as I put the poo on the end of his bed.

So when Trevor woke up in the morning and saw the evidence, he screamed and screamed. Gross! He went up as near as he could, he smelt it… nothing! And then he got a fork and prodded, hang on, it’s rock hard! And then the pennies dropped… S-T-R-E-A-K-E-R!!!

But all he could see was me ZOOMING down the street at 100-miles-an-hour!

March

What a week! It started really really badly when I ran head first into a lamppost on Monday. BOOM! I swear it hadn’t been there on Sunday when I ran past at 100 miles-an-hour…

And then on Tuesday, I ate so many cheeseburgers that when Trevor saw me, he mistook me for a giant cheeseburger and he was almost going to eat me - GROSS! – but I barked quickly so he knew it was me. Phew!

By Wednesday, I was hungry again so I ate 5 million and 1 donuts. But don’t worry, I didn’t turn into one that time.

On Thursday, Trevor’s mum took me to the park for the fastest run ever and I met up with all my friends. One of them is quite good-looking but he knows it, with his slicked down fur coat and pointy ears. PLUS he’s a bit boring. YAWN!

And on Friday, I was so tired out by all the eating and running and I still had a silly headache from the lamppost that I curled up with my babies and before I knew it… zzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZ

February

You’ll never believe what happened to me the other day! I was in the zoo with Trevor and was just eating the biggest, bestest slice of pizza EVER, with extra pepperoni on top of course, when the rotten security guard shouted at me that I wasn’t allowed. And only cause I wasn’t in the restaurant. Grrrrrrrrrr!

But little did he know he was talking to Streaker, the 100-Mile-an-Hour dog! Hah! I just picked up my pizza with my big gnashers – yes I did get some cheese on my nose (but don’t worry, I ate it later) – and I ran and ran. ZOOOOOOM! Poor old Trevor couldn’t keep up! And just when I was going to eat the pizza, a big flying whatsitcalled swooped in and grabbed the pizza from me. Then I barked and barked and barked – woof woof WOOF! Until Trevor found me and got me another even BIGGER slice of pizza and I swallowed it all at once so no flying pizza robber could steal it from me! Ow! HOT!

January

Mince pies aren’t quite as good as sausage rolls but they’re food, right? And Trevor’s mum bought a whole packet of them so I had to eat them all in one go. But don’t worry, now it’s January I’m on a diet. A diet of donuts of course. Yum!

Trevor’s gone back to school too and I tried to sneak onto the school bus with him but the stupid driver saw my cardboard box disguise and threw me off. He was the worst driver in the world anyway and I can go MUCH faster than his slow bus.

My new book is out now too so i'll be running at top speed around the whole country. Hopefully I’ll get to go to Buckingham Palace to meet the queen too but I wonder if I’ll like her silly dogs. One thing’s for sure - they DEFINITELY won’t run as fast as me!

December

I ate nine burger buns (with mustard, burger, lettuce, tomato AND mayonnaise all in one go. Then I was sick!

I had to have three stitches in my head. I was running at top speed and I crashed into a tree that wasn’t there. (Obviously it was there because I hit it, but I think it must have moved or something.)

I got my bum stuck in a washing machine. I did! The fire brigade had to get me out.

I dived off a bridge and into a river. To tell the truth I didn’t mean to do this. I guess I fell rather than dived. Anyway, I made the biggest splash EVER! If you are wondering WHY I did this it was because I thought I saw a pizza floating past and it looked rather tasty. In fact it wasn’t a pizza at all, it was a stupid bit of cardboard pretending to be a pizza. Grrrr!

Pheeeeew. It’s been a busy week!